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MG MGA - Haynes Manual – translations..... (joke)

Morning all, my first post, so hello.....

Not too sure they (Haynes) do a manual for the mga, hopefully my next purchase (email if you've a coupe for sale in the uk) anyway hope you enjoy the following....


Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned.

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.
M Elliott

Well, it would be funny it it weren't so true! ;-)

Grant :-)
G Hudson

Yes - there is an MGA Haynes - and what you jokingly describe is all too true - cheers Cam
Cam Cunningham

Hi M Elliott, the Haynes manual for the MGA is not too bad, probably because it comes from an earlier era. There are three or four on eBay at the moment for about £25, thats about what I payed for mine I think. Keep your eyes open for the official workshop manual, (part No.AKD600C)they pop up from time to time. The parts list is very useful when determining what goes where, and can be downloaded from Barney Gaylord's site at http://mgaguru.com/mgtech/books/spl_1500.htm the 1600 parts list is on the next page. Iv'e posted an image of the official workshop manual so you know what you are looking for. Hope this is of some help, Lindsay.


Lindsay Sampford

Thanks Lindsay and Cam, will look out for them.....

Finally something good to read at night, till I find my lil 'coupe' .....it'll not impress the girlfriend much, she's getting a Nissan Figaro in our deal, so can't complain too much.....!!!
M Elliott

Workshop manual, plus lots more interesting bedtime reading, is available here for your delectation and delight

http://www.clancy.ch/Owners_Pack.html

Also worth having a look under the library link for other stuff

dominic clancy

This thread was discussed on 24/09/2009

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